Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Trip Home, Part I

As some of you know, I traveled back to Florida this past weekend to pack up our home and get it ready to sell. Let me begin by saying, I do not fly well. It is, unfortunately, among my many phobias. Actually, it's not so much a fear of crashing as a fear of being sucked out the window and plunging a zillion miles to my death. (fear of heights and all that)

When J and I first talked about this, it was decided that it should be me to fly down to take care of the packing. He is a huge pack-rat and would have saved everything. I, on the other hand, tend to throw just about everything away. Anyhoo, when we told the kids, the first thing G said was "what are we gonna eat?". Yes, the concern about missing me was overwhelming.

So... on the big day, the whole family took me to the airport. S was a little worried about how they were going to get home. She was under the impression that J and I were both leaving and G was going to be in charge. We set her straight and she was fine after that. We got a bite to eat, as we were quite early. It was then that J mentioned the size of my plane from Milwaukee to Cincinnati. It went something like this:

J: You'll probably have one of those small planes to Cincinnati.
Me: Huh? What do you mean?
J: You know, a little plane.
Me: (deer in the headlight look) Why?
J: Because it's such a short distance
Me: (starting to panic) But I don't want a small plane!
J: (smiling) No, It's good, those are better.
Me: (hyperventilating) but those crash a lot! I see them on the news all the time!
J: (trying not to laugh) no, no, it's better, trust me. It'll be smoother.
Me: I don't believe you!
J: Babe.....(shaking his head)

This wasn't starting off well.

Now, understand, I have never been away from the two youngest and only apart from J and G for a couple of days. So as I walked to the gate, I sobbed, missing them already.

I boarded the plane and began to wonder if the airline had mistakenly booked me on a plane made for oompa loompas. I had to duck to get in the darn thing! I took my seat next to a rather large man who smelled like melting wax. I immediately tried to fasten my seat belt (can't be too careful) and realized that I didn't know how to work the stupid thing! Large, smelly man had to help me because, after all, I am an idiot.

The flight attendants began to go over what to do in an emergency and I was shocked that there was no plan for getting sucked out the window! How am I supposed to be prepared? I read the instruction sheet twice (OK, maybe 3 or 4 times) and memorised the exits.

As the plane taxied down the runway I relaxed a little. It didn't seem so bad.....I might be OK.....Then the plane left the ground! I don't know why they have to fly so high. I think they're just showing off.

About 3 minutes into the flight, the man behind me began to snore. I mean SNORE!! I've never heard anything like it! I alternated between wanting to slap him, thinking I should let him know he has major sleep apnea and giggle fits every time he snorted like a large pig.

My thought process during the flight went something like this:
Geez, we are really high...I hope those windows are secure...I think I'm gonna throw up....this guy really smells odd...I wish that man would stop snoring...I should pinch him so he'll wake up...I hate flying...holy cow, look how high we are...I hope I don't throw up....someone should kick that guy and wake him up...I wonder if the pilot knows what he's doing...can't believe there's no plan for getting sucked out the window...
This went on for the entire hour flight.

The plane finally landed in Cincinnati. It was a rough landing. (I think the pilot was drunk or something.) I considered kissing the ground when we landed but I thought that might be a bit dramatic so I just bent down and gave it a good pat.

I had a 3 hour layover in Ohio, but luckily, the airport had a Starbucks (one of my favorite places). I grabbed my venti coffee and tried to relax before my next bought of torture.

The flight to Orlando was better. It was a larger plane, so the flight was smoother. FYI, When you fly into Orlando, there are a lot of kids on the plane (I guess it's the whole Disney thing) so it was a noisy flight. It didn't bother me (have you met my 4 kids?) but it might some people. I sat next to a friendly 6 year old boy. Our conversation was something like this:
Kid: Are you OK
Me: (obviously nervous) yeah, I'm just a little afraid of flying. Kinda silly, huh?
Kid: (rolling his eyes) uhmf, yeah! I fly all the time!


So that's the flight down. I didn't want this post to be too long, so I'll break it up a bit. When we return....the packing!


thebonebreaker said...

hahahaha - I love the way you your dialogues go "something like this" - they crack me up!

You never told me about the man who smelled like melting wax - what an odd smell for a person to have.

I am looking forward to reading about "the packing" ;-)

Anonymous said...

I thought I was funny....I actually cried because I understood every emotion, every thought process....

And just in case you don't know me I'm Lisa, Jason's friend in NY...

On to part 2...